The miracle and the curse of having a split up core.

I will explain this from my own experiences and point of view. This is very personal.

Sometimes the core of a self splits up. It took me a long time to realise that this was the case with me.  But I knew I wasn’t normal. All these weird things were happening around me. As a child I used to wake up from a situation and be confronted with what I had done, not remembering the act itself.  When I was 11 I had the experience of BEING CHRIST. It changed my awareness.  I started hating the way people were acting around me. But there was nothing I could do about it. So I threw myself under a car from behind a bus, thinking  I WILL SEE THIS AS A TEST. Will I live or die? So I crossed the road without looking and got hit by a car. I was launched into the air and ended up on the ground -unconscious for a while – but without a scratch.  Of course the driver had the scare of his life because of my inability to see what the concequences of my actions would be.

I remember the teacher stepping into the classroom furious one day, because someone had painted moustaches all over the posters with people on them. I had my duty to clean up the class that day…so I started wondering .. .but inside I just couldn’t stop laughing …yet I couldn’t remember painting the moustaches. Somewhere I had the feeling I had something to do with it – taking my revenge for those who wanted to manipulate me and for those who mocked and bullied me for BEING DIFFERENT

At a certain age I was surrounded by what to me were these horny, egocentrical, bullying  airheaded teenagers. Fashion, boys, talking about sex ..they were normal teenagers…but I hated the way they acted. Some very Christian boy – 5 years older than me and from friends of the family – had already overpowered me that way …leaving me all confused in a field of grass. I was 11 and was in shock. But I was also living up to the expectation to be a taugh coockie.

My mother theatrically shouted like hell at me when she saw me entering the house, my skirt all green and wet from the grass. I started crying.. It was all that I could do.

I was never the sociable talkative kind and I even kept that secret, not knowing how to deal with it. It seemed like a defeat to me, the notion that I was not one of the boys, but had become a silly girl who couldn’t feel safe around boys anymore.

Today I still have a screwed up relationship with sex. I hate it. I connect hate to sex and I have a hard time respecting a man who has sex with me, without thinking about him “screwing me over”.  I feel awkward and weak when being too feminine, though I find feminine women beautiful to look at. I also make paintings of women in a respectable way, telling my self it’s ok to be feminine and that it’s beautiful to be a woman. People seem to find that weird too…a woman painting beautiful women…but I don’t feel particularly male or female.

So imagin me at the age of 15, around all these teen-agers talking about very uninteresting things to me, talking about their boyfriends etc. I was weird for them. Because I didn’t gave a rat’s ass about all of that. So they started calling me a nun giving me names,..they were terrible.  Of course, having been The Christ in Christ-consciousness, I really had my religion teacher listening with a mouth open to my explanation about it all. She didn’t really understand how I knew all that.

I usually remained peaceful under all the attacks from my class-mates. But one time I kind of exploded, when my economy teacher began to act in an unfair way and after everything failed me unfairly at a test. She was the drop that made the bucket run over.  And because of the mix of emotions I went insanely angry and got her into an accident and into a coma for a year.  I didn’t do anything physically. But I am not going to explain how it works either.

The  school was ending and I went into a new class. I changed my tactics. I became the best student in class. My mother was proud, overexagerating at times. No-one in the class dared to bully me…because I was the teacher’s favourite   I avoided mingling with class-mates. I felt like an alien around them. I just kept my mouth shut. One day they started talking in class about the economy teacher, who had now been in a coma for a year. They said they were about to pull the plug.

Of course me -realising I was the cause – got some sense into my brain, some feeling of compassion for this thing I had done…which now seemed to be an over over overreaction of me. I had regret for being so heartless.  So I forgave her and did what I had to do to get her to wake up.

the next morning…the school was all about this miracle that had happened.  The economy teacher woke up from her coma….just about when they were thinking of pulling the plug..

She knew it was my doing. Yet she couldn’t prove anything. Who would believe her?

That was my clue about these energies around me and how I should be careful and mindful. But something similar happened 2 more times. A part of me says “this can’t be possible”, but another part of me knows it is.

I am not a normal person who can do normal things. I’ve accepted that. I am very sensitive to energies and have to be aware to raise my frequency so the higher energies can lift me up. I get away from society as much as I can, precisely because the energies can be very low. I want to feel love. But I can’t do that around people who constantly drag me down.

A lot of weird things have happened in my life. I couldn’t take the stress of the outside world anymore.  The outside world saw me as “crazy”, because they couldn’t understand my way of thinking. I was one weird chick among all those others. They drove me in sane. I became suicidal, very negative and ended up in psychiatry several times and finally in a psychiatric hospital.  The weirdness started already when I entered. I think they gave me some kind of truth serum…because there was this woman asking me questions.. .I felt being stung by the ring she was wearing.

I was unable to think for a day and after that….everything seemed like a memory…

I refused any medication and they said I would be forced to take it. Then they left me alone.  When I got out of my room fist thing that happened was that I was overtaken by something that was hanging around this other patient. Suddenly I had no power over my body anymore. I started shaking and tears were running down my face.

The nurse came to my rescue. She put her hand on my shoulder and because of her touch I was feeling, I could find my body again.  The reason I say it was some kind of energy hanging around this other patient, is because he said it himself….he had experienced the same lots of times just what I had experienced now …and he was standing very close to my body.

Before they knew it, I was treating patients…helping them take away pain. But I never had any physical evidence. Until there was this older man who had this lump on his head, the size of a tennisball. He said he was taking some kind of cocain on prescription to take the pain away. I got into another awareness and put my hands on his head. It took only seconds and the visible ball was gone. I felt it melting right under my hands.  Until this day I still don’t know what that was all about. I got out of there as fast as I could. I knew there was something really really weird going on with me.  I knew I could get into another awareness and do incredible stuff. It scares me sometimes. I don’t exactely know how I do it. It just happens.

My conclusion is that this is all because I have a split up core and I have become a hotel where energies can enter and use me as a vessel. Knowing this, I have to stay away from negativity, lose my ego and get into positivity,, the real self, raising my frequency. As my frequency gets higher, also higher energies are able to enter my vessel. They can talk to me, send me to people. There is a lot more I am still not aware of.  Because the invisble world behind the visible is the REAL WORLD where everything is created.

A lot of things in my life happened which caused me to feel unsafe. That is the feeling I have and it is probably why I started trusting the energies around me, which kept me safe from the outside unsafe world.

I think I was born split up. I couldn’t get out and my mother was in pain for a long time before they finally put me on this planet through caesarean. So she and I kind of hated one another before I was born. When I came out, I was a girl. But they were expecting a boy and had already named me “Steven”.  So they had to come up with a different name.

Boy, were they wrong about me 😂😂😂

To make matters worse, I saw my grandmother Anna as being my real mother. She didn’t have her periods for over nine months and on the day I was born, she had them and took me into her arms.

I don’t know how it works…but I have heard that a baby recognizes his mother by a smell. So I guess my grandmother had this  “I am your mother “ – smell.


I am learning day by day. I came without a manual. Weird keeps getting weirder. It’s hard for me sometimes when my husband sees me putting a roasted chicken in front of his nose and he looks at me and says “we’ve had chicken yesterday” or when he asks me a simple question and I start to panic – yet pull my self together – because I have to cover up the fact that I don’t know what any normal person would know in that situation. It takes time for me to find back a memory. It’s hard for him and me when he gets annoyed because he is aware of me not being my usual self. Though he is the one who notices. I have also seen for my self that I did things just a couple of days before, things I would never have rememberred, unless confronted with my actions.  I also have no notion of time, don’t know if something happened an hour ago, yesterday or a week ago. I have to accept it and live with it. It’s not dramatic to me, but the ones around me can turn it into a drama. I just think to myself “what is all that fuss about? So I forget things? Big deal. So what?”

That is the downside of my situation. The upside is that I am never alone 😄😄😄 and that I’m a creator. I’m not a good talker, but I write it or sing it, or even paint it.


I just want to tell all of you CRAZY ONES never to give up or give in to what others might think of you. You have a right to be your self, even when it seems weird or crazy to other people. You don’t have to victimize your self…just accept it, even if the ones around you can’t understand what you are going through. Take it light 😂😂😂 and find the happy side of every situation. If you can’t accept your self, then nobody will. All the wisdom, all the happyness is inside your self.  You just have to realize it!

If you want to know more. I’ve written THE KEY for people who would like to have a glimpse behind the veil of this world. It is written from the self…meaning I went really deep and opened my own self to surrender to the energies of THE self.

Here is the link Click here to read THE KEY


You can find me on twitter   🔆11 







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